The Younger Ones
by The Hot Hedgehog
Summary: A look at how our favourite college lads started off at primary school. Please read and review.
1. Hippies Aren't Born, They're Made

Disclaimer: I obviously own nothing to do with the Young Ones and am making no profit out of this. Which is a real shame.

The Younger Ones

Chapter One: Hippies aren't Born, they're Made.

_(The opening credits of the Young Ones play out, but with different looks. Vyvyan now has just two metal stars and smaller identical clothes. Rick has only three badges on his neatly ironed blazer. Mike is also younger but has put on copious amounts of fake tan and a fake little moustache. Neil is dressed perfectly, with straight cut short hair and glasses. Alexei Sayle appears as so many things here it's so impossible to list them all. The credits fade away…)_

_(A loud bell rings and the sunlight just hits the windows of Balowski Primary School)_

Headmaster Balowski: Ah! Another typical Western day. With the silly bastards down at Scumbag Primary letting loose all of his destructive chemicals, killing helpless little animals, polluting the air and choking my students to death. _(Opening the window of his shabby office) _I love you, Scumbag!

_(Meanwhile, the various other teachers are preparing to set up their classrooms for the new term. Jerzei Balowski has decorated his room with Polish flags and a whole wall is donated to a portrait of Winston Churchill carrying a Polish flag. Billy Balowski's music department is completely empty except for a dusty old stage in one corner. The science teacher, Brian Damage Balowski is just finishing painting over two large holes in the wall caused by his mad experiments)_

_(At Rick's country caravan)_

Rick Senior: Well then son today is the day you start sixth year. How do you feel?

Rick: Oh, ever so nervous Daddy.

_(Rick's mother, Rita, is just finishing polishing her son's badges. She too wears badges and "that stupid girly bonnet". Rick Senior is dressed for some reason in army camouflage)_

Rita: Well, you'll be fine Ricky. Just remember our rules. Always do what the nearest grown-up person says to you and if you see a communist…

Rick: Tell the nearest grown-up person. Is that right, Mumsie-Wumsie?

Rita: Of course it is darling! Now come on, eat up your lentil cereal.

Rick: What? Bloody lentils again?

Rita: _(looking shocked)_ WHAT?

Rick Senior: It sounds as if you just said a grown-up person word.

Rick: _(looking hurt) _Oh, sorry Daddy.

_(At Vyvyan's bus shelter)_

Mrs. Vyvyan: Well, you toss-pot. Time to get up for school.

_(She rips down a bus time sign and smacks him over the head with it. He awakens)_

Vyvyan: Piss off!

Mrs. Vyvyan: _(standing up from her little seat) _I don't like that language.

Vyvyan: Sorry. Piss off, Mum.

Mrs. Vyvyan: Seriously, get your arse up. School today.

Vyvyan: Oh, bloody hell, not again.

Mrs. Vyvyan: Yes. Again.

Vyvyan: Why do I have to go?

Mrs. Vyvyan: Because I have a stash hidden at our house and the pigs have just raided it. Why do you think we slept here tonight?

Vyvyan: I dunno. You brought along some Playboy magazines.

Mrs. Vyvyan: But now I have to find a new place for us to stay, and I don't want you in the way. Now go on. Piss off before I hit you again.

Vyvyan: Whatever. Bye Mum.

Mrs. Vyvyan: Yes, goodbye.

_(At a stately manor, a Rolls Royce drives up to the tune of Mozart)_

Neil: (_holding a glass of champagne) _Well, Mother, it appears that school resumes once again today.

Mother: Indeed.

Father: Oh and congratulations on becoming class prefect again and Head Boy.

Neil: Ah, such praises I do not deserve.

Father: Oh yes you do. I've already got your name down for Eton!

Neil: Indeed.

Mother: Yes.

Father: Indeed.

_(They all laugh that horrible posh sort of laugh)_

Mother: So, shall you be spending the night out with Kendal Mintcake and that lovely Miss. Money-Sterling?

Neil: Indeed.

_(Back at Balowski Primary. Neil's Rolls Royce pulls up with a crunch outside and a chauffeur gets out and ushers Neil inside. At the same time, Vyvyan pulls up riding a rusty bicycle with the picked padlock still dragging along behind it. Rick's caravan is driven along by a tiny little dirty Mini and Rick comes out all swotty like in front of his parents. Mike is still nowhere to be seen)_

Rick: _(approaching Vyvyan who is picking up his stolen bike) _So, Vyvyan. Looks like we're going to be in the same class again.

Vyvyan: Piss off, poof!

Rick: Oh, _(with his hands on his hips) _oh, and I suppose that's your idea of a morning welcome? Well guess what Vyvyan. It's not mine. I prefer to be polite, loving and…

(_Vyvyan swings his padlock around, smacks Rick in the face and he falls over)_

Vyvyan: Is that a better welcome?

Rick: _(slowly getting up) _No, but this is. _(He reaches over and yanks one of Vyv's stars off). _Hah! See how you like that, communist!

_(Vyvyan considers for a moment, and then picks up his bike)_

Vyvyan: No, Prick. I didn't like that at all. (_He hurls his bike at Rick, where the weight of it takes him smashing right through Headmaster Balowski's Ford. The alarm starts and Vyvyan runs away)_

Mike: (_helping Rick to his feet, amid the shattered glass)_ Well that was certainly a brilliant stunt Rick. All you have to do is learn how do time it perfectly with the bike hitting your spleen and I could sell you off as a freak.

Rick: I am not a sell-out, Michael. But I could seriously do with a mouth-watering and brilliantly tasting Lentil Fizz Drink! And where have you been, anyway?

Mike: Your little immature mind would never quite understand it Rick.

_(Mike walks off and goes into school, closely followed by Rick)_

_(All of the school is assembled in the main hall for assembly. Some familiar faces are amongst them. Helen Mucus can be seen, lurking suspiciously in a far corner. Warlock the Hippie is smoking something and all the teachers are assembled around the hall. Headmaster Balowski stands up)_

Headmaster Balowski: Welcome back you Western children of Satan, the ones who drove my people away into death, killed over a million of us in various ways, like sticking spikes into their eyes so they exploded or stripping them and whipping them until they resembled old bananas, which are made out of my people's skin.

_(The hall is silent. One small child begins to cry)_

Headmaster Balowski: And now, the teachers report about subjects that actually matter. Science.

Brian Damage: I am happy to say that our science block is now completely re-furnished after that little accident with the chainsaw and the fifth-years. And now music.

Billy Balowski: _(Drinking out of a saxophone. He finishes and throws it to the floor where it breaks) _Well, there goes our last instrument. And now English.

Jerzei Balowski: Guten Tag tu einen enfants. English is as good as ever. Which is very bad, as in this school, good means bad and bad means good. And now Maths.

Alexei Balowski: _(pointing at a random student) _You! What's 2 x 2?

Random Student: Uh…..uh….Uhh…..uh……Uhh……ummmm…..u…….h…ah…..4?

Alexei Balowski: All is well. And now Religious Education.

Train Driver Balowski: The children now know the difference between a Catholic and that Jesus person. And now Art.

Officer Balowski: I'm not even remotely qualified to be doing this job. And now P.E.

Count Balowski: _(baring his fangs) _Ha ha ha ha! The children are extremely unfit.

Headmaster Balowski: I believe that is all. Children, you are dismissed. Please go to your form tutor's for registration.

_(The hall empties out, leaving Billy Balowski drinking something out of a hip flask. In Jerzei Balowski's room with the Polish decorations, the children assemble, sitting on the floor. Jerzei is sitting on a ripped apart chair)_

Jerzei Balowski: Well, well children. Welcome back from your completely un-deserved break. As Neil is the only one in here who has the chance of amounting to anything, I might as well press on with pointless study. The register, please.

_(A student hands him a rough piece of line paper)_

Jerzei Balowski: Thank you dumbass child. Warlock Avocado.

Warlock: Here.

Jerzei: Vyvyan Basterd.

Vyvyan: Bored to death and I hate you, now piss off.

Jerzei: Good…Mike TheCoolPerson?

Mike: Where else would I rather be? Apart from in someone else's bed, of course.

Jerzei: Head Boy and Class Prefect Neil Pye.

Neil: Here, Mr. Balowski. I hope you are well.

Jerzei: Of course I am, sir. Now…Helen Mucus?

Helen Mucus: Here.

Jerzei: Oliver Clothes-Off.

Oliver: Here.

Jerzei: Ura Snotball?

Ura: Here. _(she sniffs hard)_

Jerzei: And everyone else?

Everyone Else: Here.

Jerzei: Oh, yes, and Rick Wankstain?

Rick: I'm here.

Jerzei: Good. Now, I have a hangover today, so no work will be done. Except of course by Head Boy Class Prefect Neil Pye.

Neil: Indeed.

Jerzei: So run along and go outside. You have Maths with Mr. Balowski next.

Vyvyan: You're Mr. Balowski.

Jerzei: No, the other Mr. Balowski.

Vyvyan: Which one?

Jerzei: The other one. Idiot.

Vyvyan: Piss off.

Jerzei: Detention. Now all of you run along.

_(Outside in a run down and vandalized playground, Neil is sat in a corner reading "Advanced Algebra". Warlock appears)_

Warlock: Hello, Head Boy.

Neil: Hello miscellaneous student.

_(Warlock is still smoking his pipe)_

Warlock: Want some of this?

Neil: No, I'm trying to study.

Warlock: _(he pretends to turn away) _Fine, have it your way…

_(He turns around quickly and thrusts the pipe in Neil's mouth. He breathes it in a gasp of surprise. Suddenly, his eyes go glazed. The book falls out of his hands and his hair suddenly pops and grows to five times its original length. His smart clothes also transform into dirty hippie-wear)_

Neil: _(with his classic hippy tone) _Oh wow!

Warlock: Yeah, that's good, isn't it?

Neil: Yeah, heavy. Listen man, I have this craving for something and I don't know what it is.

Warlock: Lentils?

Neil: Yeah, yeah that's it.

Warlock: Come with me, my friend.

_(They walk off across the playground and into the kitchens)._

Hope you liked it! Please read and review and I'll do more chapters.


	2. Balowski Love

Disclaimer: Contrary to popular belief, I did not create the Young Ones, anything to do with them and am making sod all out of this. However, I did secretly write Harry Potter. I apologize publicly now. The JK actually stands for Jellied Kelloggs.

Chapter 2: What will happen as the lads experience their first day back at Balowski Primary? Find out in Chapter 2: Balowski Love.

_(Vyvyan is moving slowly across the pavement next to Mike, who is counting out a large wad of cash. Rick is their target, and he is currently playing a game of Kiss Chase with Helen Mucus, who seems to have vanished)_

Rick: Where are you? I've got to kiss you!

Mike: _(looking up from his money) _What?

Vyvyan: It's alright, Mike. Prick was just being…a prick.

Rick: _(now looking away from his hunt) _WHAT?

Mike: Calm down, Rick.

Rick: Don't you tell me to calm down, Mike. What authority have you over me?

Mike: This. _(He holds up a photo of Rick sneaking into a PG rated film. Rick screams)_

Vyvyan: (_laughs) _Ha! You're not even allowed to watch bloody PGs without your precious Mumsie…

Rick:…Wumsie would kill me if she found out!

Mike: Exactly, Rick. This is exactly why I am making you do this.

_(Rick stops squirming and stares at Mike)_

Rick: What? Do what, exactly Mike?

Mike: You are going to deliver _(he holds out the wad of cash)_ this to Harry the Bastard.

Rick: Ooh! Is he a gangster? _(Rick leans forward eagerly)_

Mike: Well, you could say that.

Rick: So I deliver this and you destroy that photo?

Mike: Yes. You have to deliver it to some run-down old slum. 15 Credibility Street.

Rick: Deal.

Mike: Deal.

(_The two of them shake hands. Mike hands Rick the money and tears up the photo)_

Rick: Thank you Mike. _(He walks off closely stalked by Vyvyan. Mike takes an exact replica of the photo out from his inside pocket)_

Rick: Get lost Vyvyan!

Vyvyan: Why?

Rick: Because I know that you're planning one of your desperately immature and practical jokes on me that will probably inflict much harm on me and cause me to go running to the nearest grown-up person.

Vyvyan: Actually Rick, no I wasn't. But that is a great idea!

Rick: Yes it…What? Wait a…

_(Vyvyan picks up a cricket bat lying on the floor and smacks him around the head with it. Rick falls to the floor cradling his head)_

Rick: Bloody hell, Vyvyan!

Vyvyan: What now?

Rick: Where did you find that cricket bat anyway?

Vyvyan: Oh, it was on the floor, right next to this solar powered Black & Decker drill.

_(Rick looks up at the sky; the sun is shining brightly. Rick looks back at Vyvyan. Vyvyan picks up the drill…)_

Rick: Uh…now you wouldn't actually…uh…use that…uh…drill, would you, Vyvyan?

_(In the school kitchens. Neil and Warlock are eating lentils and Neil is smoking Warlock's pipe. They are both lying down)_

Neil: Oh, wow. I never knew eating lentils could be so…inspiring. They're really good. Even if it is bloody hippie food.

Warlock: Yeah. That's the truth.

_(The bell for class rings)_

Neil: Oh dear. Oh no. _(He stands)_ It's class time.

Warlock: So?

Neil: So…_(he smokes the pipe once more and sinks back down)_ what…

Warlock: That's the spirit.

Neil: What's in this pipe anyway?

Warlock: Essence of lentil.

Neil: Ah…

_(Alexei Balowski's Maths room. Rick is sitting alone with a large, smoking hole in between his eyes. Mike and Vyvyan are talking)_

Mike: So anyway, that's the story of how my father successfully bedded two women at the same time.

Vyvyan: Simply amazing, Mike.

Mike: It is, Vyvyan. It is.

Vyvyan: So…uh…I don't notice that class swot Neil around anywhere.

Mike: Oh, I don't think we'll be seeing him for a while.

Vyvyan: What does that mean Mike?

Mike: It means that I have paid someone to take out that swot.

Vyvyan: You killed him?

Mike: No.

Vyvyan: Oh…what does that mean Mike?

Mike: It means that I paid that freakish hippie, Warlock, to give him a blast.

Vyvyan: What does that mean, Mike?

Mike: It means that our Head Boy is now a stupid, useless and bloody hippie.

Vyvyan: Wow! But why?

Mike: To discredit him.

Vyvyan: What does…?

Alexei: Hey! You two! Bummer boys!

Vyvyan: Piss off.

Alexei: Detention. Now, as I was saying earlier, we will be repeating what we have done last year for this years Maths course.

Vyvyan: Oh, God! Reruns, again?

Alexei: Double Detention. Now, who can tell me what 5 x 5 is?

_(The class remains silent)_

Alexei: Hey, come on people, you know this.

_(One boy puts his hand up)_

Alexei: Yes, knob-end over there.

Knob-End: 22?

Alexei: OK, now can we please have someone who isn't a complete retard?

_(The class remains silent)_

Alexei: Aw, sod it. Where's Neil?

_(The class remains silent)_

Alexei: Damn! This school's last hope; gone! OK, lesson over, go have break.

Rick: But it's only been 5 minutes! And you forgot to set us homework!

_(Vyvyan stands up; walks over to the chalkboard and picks up the rubber. He lobs it at Rick and it hits him in the side of the head)_

Rick: Ow! What was that for?

Vyvyan: For being a total and complete bastard!

Rick: Oh yeah? _(He raises his middle finger to Vyvyan)_ Well you know what you are Vyvyan?

Vyvyan: No.

Rick: A bastard! A complete and utter bastard!

Alexei: Oh! This is getting good!  
_(Rick picks up the board rubber thrown at him and throws it at Vyvyan. However, it misses and hits Mike instead. The class watch, fascinated)_

Mike: That was, to say the least, a mistake, Rick.

_(Mike clicks his fingers and a big kid stands up. He is Mike's future bouncer from the episode, "Oil")_

Future Bouncer: How dare you hit Sir Michael TheCoolPerson?

Rick: Ah, well. Yes, it was an accident. You see…

_(The Future Bouncer picks up Rick and throws him back down to the ground)_

Vyvyan: Oy! No one bashes Rick around except me. All right?

Future Bouncer: Bring it, starfish.

_(Vyvyan runs at him and body slams him. The Future Bouncer goes flying, and smashes through the nearest window)_

Rick: Wow! Thank you, Vyvyan!

Vyvyan: Shut up.

_(Vyvyan picks up Rick and throws him at a window, but misses. Rick slams into the wall instead)_

Vyvyan: Damn! Missed!

_(Vyvyan picks Rick up again and throws him through the window)_

Alexei: _(applauding) _Bravo! That was amazing! Bravo! Doctor Marten would have loved that performance. Now go on. Get lost.

Mike: Music class next.

_(Mike snaps his fingers and four students rise up and carry him, their arms linked making a throne shape)_

_(In Billy Balowski's Music Room. The stage is still bare, but a strange blue light is hanging behind it. Billy himself is lying down at the foot of the stage)_

Rick: Wake up, sir.

_(Billy wakes slowly)_

Vyvyan: You poof! We could have missed the lesson!

_(Vyvyan smacks him hard in the face and he falls to the ground)_

Billy: Hello! Welcome to Music Class! Today, I have a hangover, so I am going to let you watch…a live pop performance!

_(The class stands and cheers, a la pop concerts)_

Billy: This blue light behind me is in fact…a time portal to the 21st Century!

_(Again, the class cheers)_

Billy: So, I've arranged a pop group from the 21st Century to appear.

Mike: So how did you make one of them portals, anyway?

Billy: I was trying to fix an electric cooker with a fork and it just kind of…happened. Now…are you ready for…

_(Billy turns and yells into the portal)_

Billy: Girl's Aloud! Whoever the bloody hell they are!

_(Again, the class cheer, and Girl's Aloud appear from the portal)_

Girls' Aloud: What the bloody hell? This isn't the Comic Relief Gig!

Billy: Well, I don't care. I punched in "tartie farties" and it came up with you guys. Now play or I'll shove this pole straight up your fake-tanned asses!"

(We got some dancing to do)

I wanna be dancing  
Too cool for school  
When I'm alone I like to break the rules  
I wanna go faster  
Can't waste no time  
Let's get on down  
And let me blow your mind, so

Love me  
(Down love, boogie down love)  
Love me  
(Down love, boogie down love)  
Love me  
(Down love, boogie down love)  
I give you turning when you play with me baby  
Love me  
(Down love, boogie down love)  
Love me  
(Down love, boogie down love)  
Love me  
(Down love, boogie down love)  
Cos a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do

Set it off now  
And do your thing  
Bring me low  
And let the record spin  
So give me lovin'  
Till I explode  
Do the move  
Until I lose control

So clap your hands and sing this now  
Cos you know where the party's at  
It's time to let your feelings show  
Ready, steady, come on let's go

Love me  
(Down love, boogie down love)  
Love me  
(Down love, boogie down love)  
Love me  
(Down love, boogie down love)  
I give you turning when you play with me baby  
Love me  
(Down love, boogie down love)  
Love me  
(Down love, boogie down love)  
Love me  
(Down love, boogie down love)  
Cos a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do

I wanna go faster  
Can't waste no time  
I wanna go faster  
Let me blow your mind  
Love me  
I wanna go faster  
Love me  
Can't waste no time  
Love me  
I wanna go faster  
Love me  
Let me blow your mind

Billy: Let me blow your head!

_(he pulls out a shotgun and shoots down two of the girls. The remaining three jump into the portal. Two familiar students rise)_

Mary-Kate: Being held back for so long makes me realise…

Ashley: …we could become actresses!

Mary Kate & Ashley: See ya!

_(They jump into the portal, which then quickly disintegrates)_

Billy: Right. Where are we going to dump these two bodies? Oh…and class is dismissed.

Mike: Science Class next…with Mr. Brian Damage Balowski!

Rick: Mike, don't you think this chapter's getting just a bit repetitive?

_(Brian Damage's Classroom)_

Brian Damage: Come in! Come in! Do not be afraid!

Vyvyan: Oh, God, not this bastard again.

Brian Damage: I heard that. Remind me later to blow a hole in your stomach. Now…get into your lab partners.

_(There is a stampede of people. Vyvyan pushes through everyone, picks up Mike one-handed and brings him over to his desk. Rick moves towards Helen Mucus, but Oliver Clothes-Off takes her instead)_

Brian Damage: All alone? Perhaps this might help you.

(Brian picks up what looks like a flamethrower. He lights it and holds up a piece of Francium in front of the flame. It explodes and engulfs the nearest student, killing him in a scream of pain and a burst of flame)

Brian Damage: There! That's better; you can go with Mr. Clothes-Off's ex-partner.

Rick: Alright! Helen Mucus!

Helen: Sir, could I perhaps borrow your flamethrower?

_(A taxi)_

Warlock: So how do you feel, having bunked off for the first time in your life, eh?

Neil: I feel so…used.

Warlock: That's great, because I need you to do something for me.

_(Neil draws deeply from his pipe)_

Neil: What?

_(Warlock hands Neil a large suitcase, a map and a list of instructions)_

Warlock: I just want you to assassinate Jim Callahan, that's all.

Neil: Oh, OK, no biggie.

Warlock: Just follow the instructions and you'll be fine.

_(Warlock kicks Neil out of the taxi and then speaks into a walkie-talkie)_

Warlock: Warlock to the Man. Warlock to the Man. The Bell-End has left the Black Nest.

_(Brian Damage's classroom)_

Brian Damage: OK, having found new pants for that prick, Rick, I think it's time we began our lesson. Mike! Shut that bloody walkie-talkie up!

Mike: Sorry, sir.

Vyvyan: Was that Neil?  
Mike: I don't think I'll be getting any competition from him any more.

Brian Damage: I said shut up! Now for our experiment. Oh, but first, could the following students please wait outside the room. Vyvyan, Mike, Rick, Helen, John, Neil, Warlock, James, Janine and Peg.

_(The said pupils stand up and troop out, except for Neil and Warlock, who are obviously not there. Once outside, Balowski takes out a bomb. The students hear a quiet bang, and the floor shakes slightly)_

Brian Damage: Come in!

_(They come into the classroom, where at least sixteen pupils lie unconscious at the base of their desks)_

Brian Damage: Oh, damn! I picked the wrong bomb. That was a stun-grenade. I meant to blow the bastards apart. But oh well, I guess you can't have everything in life.

Rick: Uh, sir, what was this meant to teach us? Sir? Sir?

_(Brian Damage has mysteriously vanished)_

Mike: A disappearing teacher? I could make use of this. Let's go then lads, leave these people to wake up.

Rick: What class is it next Mike?

Mike: Well it should be French, but why the hell should I waste my valuable time learning that language?

Vyvyan: Well said Mike!

Rick: But that's bunking off!

Vyvyan: Shut up you girl!

_(Vyvyan whacks him hard on the back of the head and he falls over)_

Mike: Let's go. To the playground bunker.

Vyvyan: Brilliant!

_(Again, he scoops up Mike and runs out of the room with him under his arm. Rick shouts out after them)_

Rick: Fascists!

_(Just outside Jim Callahan's private parlor)_

Neil: Right, I've got to, like, shoot this guy with this special gun in the head, but he won't die, it will just make his life even better than before!

Neil's Old Self: No, you fool! Stop! Warlock is using you! You're going to go to jail!

Neil: But why?

Neil's Old Self: You're about to kill the Prime Minister of England, one of the most important people in the world!

Neil: I'm not going to kill him. I'm just going to inject this lentil aroma into his brain so that he declares lentils the national food and drink of choice. That's what Warlock said.

Neil's Old Self: The dastardly old bugger is lying to you! Trust me, if you pull that trigger, you are going to be in more trouble than could be imagined.

_(Neil loads the sniper rifle with a single bullet)_

Neil: Relax, man. Don't be so heavy! The instructions tell me how to make this country a lot better. All I have to do is fire.

Neil's Old Self: Stop!

_(Neil adjusts the scope and takes careful aim. Suddenly a policeman appears and grabs him by the shoulders, turning him around)_

Policeman: What the bloody hell's all this then?

Neil's Old Self: OK, remain calm, but whatever you do, don't call him a…

Neil: Oh no! It's the pigs!

Neil's Old Self: Damn! Now look what you've done you fool! You're in…

Policeman:…more trouble than can be imagined sonny. Let's go.

Neil: OK. Where are we going?

Policeman: Her Majesty's Prison.

Neil: Oh, I'm going to inject her brain with lentil aroma next week, I don't have to go to see her yet.

Policeman: Lentil aroma? You what?

Neil's Old Self: This can't be happening, this can't be happening…

_(The playground at Balowski Primary)_

Vyvyan: So, let me get this straight. You sent Neil to kill the Prime Minister? Two things: Why, and cool!

Mike: Well, Vyvyan, I needed to get through this year top of the year so I could get into a decent high school.

Vyvyan: But why would you want to do that?

Mike: Simple. The birds love an educated bloke, don't they? Besides, the beautiful birds go for the rich guys, and the rich guys are the ones who have been successful at school.

Vyvyan: Well, not necessarily Michael.

Mike: Yeah, well, good honest grades will always beat a bribe.

Vyvyan: Oh, so you got rid of Neil so you could become the school's valedictorian?

Mike: What the bloody hell is that?

Vyvyan: The guy with the highest marks throughout his time at school.

Mike: And where did you learn that?

Vyvyan: From a programme called Saved by the Bell.

Mike: And what's that?

Vyvyan: Oh, it's a future programme. That portal Mr. Balowski's got set up is great! Shame about the programme though.

Mike: Right, well you've got the gist of it.

_(Screaming from within, and several children and teachers come running out of the school)_

Vyvyan: Oh, God! Rick must have gone to the toilet again.

Rick: Oh, very funny Vyvyan. More rude jokes about my bottom. How predictable.

Mike: Where did you come from?

Rick: We've just heard the news!

Mike: What news?

Rick: Jerzei Balowski is pregnant!

_(A paused and stunned silence)_

Mike: OK. Fair enough.

Rick: What do you mean, "fair enough?" He's a man!

Mike: So?

Rick: Well, Michael, I get the feeling you don't know how a baby is actually made!

Mike: Rubbish, Rick! The last time somebody said that, I got slapped with three paternity suits.

Rick: See, I told you, you didn't…what do you mean "paternity suits?"

Vyvyan: He means paternity suits you stupid poof!

_(He whacks Rick around the head)_

Mike: Well, what impact does that have on the story at hand?

Vyvyan: I don't know Michael. Maybe the author's having trouble thinking of interesting plot lines without repeating what will happen a few years in the future.

_(All three of them suddenly look up into the air. They are being observed under a microscope)_

Doctor Kadowaki: Amazing! Human beings the size of amoebas!


	3. The Pool Day

Author's Note: An angel came to me in a dream. She said to me, "You will write an incredible, amazing comedy called The Young Ones. The dream I had been having was sexual, and being irked at this disturbance, I told her in polite terms to piss off. The next day, I discover that Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer had written said comedy. I was close to suicide that day (hopefully that will make it obvious I don't own The Young Ones).

_(Headmaster Balowski's Study. He is reading a letter)_

Headmaster Balowski:…and his sincerest apologies. Now that you have understood the situation, I hope you can see how this has affected the progress of your plan. Nevertheless, the passing of your Great Uncle Bob Balowski is not a total loss for you. He has remembered your father and mother to the sum of one million pounds, your younger sister with a mansion of her own, and you with an inflatable swimming pool.

_(He drops the letter, looks to the air and clenches his fists in triumph)_

Headmaster Balowski: Ha ha ha! A pool! What on earth will I do with it?

_(Later that afternoon)_

Headmaster Balowski: The remainder of today's afternoon lessons have been cancelled, and as a special treat, you are invited to spend the day in this pool!

_(The children all cheer)_

Headmaster Balowski: Alright! Head to your various toilets and get changed. We have a whole truck full of undelivered trunks and bathing suits that crashed into the side of my house this morning. Enjoy!

_(In the boy's toilet)_

_(Rick is trying to choose between two pairs of trunks. Vyvyan emerges from a cubicle ready, but Mike is still dawdling)_

Vyvyan: Hurry up Mike! I want to get in that pool!

Mike: Well, not for me thanks Vyv.

Vyvyan: But Mike, that's what pools are for. Drowning people and swimming!

Mike: And for women catching. Girls are drawn to a hot guy by the side of a pool like flies to a specially constructed fly catching magnet.

Vyvyan: Oh, right. I'll wait for you outside. Hey Prick!

Rick: Vyvyan, my name is Rick and you know it's Rick.

Vyvyan: Sure thing, Dick.

Rick: Oh, God!

Vyvyan: So, why are you still in your normal boxer shorts?

Rick: Well, we are all attending a pool party, and I think my appearance at it is going to be rather important.

Vyvyan: Bollocks!

Rick: And why is it bollocks, Vyvyan?

Vyvyan: Because, you're going to be under the water most of the time.

Rick: No I won't. I can't swim.

Vyvyan: Oh, I probably shouldn't have heard that. But it's just given me a great idea! Oh, and by the way…

_(He pulls Rick up and throws him out the window. On the way out, his boxers snag and come loose. He lands hard on the ground)_

Rick: You've just hurt my bottom! Oh well. I guess I couldn't pick between the two anyway. Might as well go in in my boxers. Say, has it gotten cold here recently?

_(He looks down and screams)_

Rick: Oh hell! What am I going to do? Well, if I stay here and act ordinary…

_(Mike comes bursting out of the toilets. He has shorts on, an obvious fake tan and a lot of fake chest and underarm hair. He has a gold chain and a fake Rolex on his wrist)_

Rick: Wow, Mike! You look, uh, different.

Mike: Thank you for noticing, Rick.

_(He glances down at below Rick's waist)_

Mike: _(sniggering)_ Now that is a guaranteed lady-turner-offer.

Rick: What?

Mike: Oh, nothing, nothing…

_(He walks in the direction of the large tanker. Most of the children are already in there)_

Vyvyan: Yes! Bow before your master!

_(He soaks person after person with a large water pistol)_

Vyvyan: Wait, I know what would be fun! Destroying the pool! Yeah, that would be really great! Oh, hey Mike!

Mike: Hello, Vyvyan.

Vyvyan: Looking good there!

Mike: Yeah, thanks Vyv.

_(Mike lays on a sun bed, carrying a reflector)_

Rick: Right, I should be safe if I keep this bush over it.

_(He adjusts a hand made pair of trunks made out of a bush)_

Vyvyan: Hello, Rick!  
Rick: Hello, Vyvyan. You're sounding jolly today.

Vyvyan: Well, it's a day off! And I see you finally chose what you're going to wear. I think that leaf effect looks really cool.

Rick: R…really?

Vyvyan: Yes, I love the painted on wasp's nest too.

Rick: Yes, well, I've always thought that…wasp's nest?

Vyvyan: That's what I said.

_(Vyvyan walks off, just preparing to throw a water bomb at some unsuspecting pupil, whilst Rick looks down slowly and starts to whimper)_

Rick: Ah…oh…dear. This is not good. Still, as long as I stay still, I should be able to…

Mike: Oh, there you are Rick. I've been looking for you. Could you hold this for me?

_(he hands Rick a honey-glazed stick, which Rick drops into his "trunks")_

Rick: AARRGGHH!

_(he runs out screaming and waving his arms as the wasps attack him)_

Mike: What the f-? Where'd he go? That was my honey-glazed stick.

Vyvyan: Mike!  
Mike: Yes, Vyv?

Vyvyan: Here, I need help with something. I need you to get Prick into the pool.

Mike: Why's that?

Vyvyan: Well, I want to destroy the pool, blame him and humiliate him at the same time.

Mike: Ah, excellent angle. And I assume we could use this for blackmail?

Vyvyan: That is a completely brilliant idea! OK, I'll find Rick, you get a bomb of some sort.

Mike: Right you are, Vyv.

_(the two go their separate ways)_

_(Her Majesty's Prison)_

Policeman 1: Well, this little Herbert is still refusing to tell us his name, why he came here, or where he acquired this interesting shooter.

Policeman 2: What would you expect? He's a bloody hippie for Christ's sake.

Policeman 1: How do you know that?

Policeman 2: Well, for one thing, he asked for lentils when he arrived, he smells like he's just come out of a pissing cess pit and his hair is about waist-length.

Policeman 1: Ah…stupid hippie.

_(a cell)_

Neil: Oh, wow! Heavy! What am I going to do?

Neil's Old Self: Just relax! Concentrate you retard! I can get you out of this. And when I do, no more lentils for you.

Neil: That is so uncool.

Neil's Old Self: Right, it's very simple. All you have to do is to fall to the floor as if you were in agony. Scream out in pain and such.  
Neil: OK, dude.

_(falls to the floor, flailing)_

Neil: Oh wow! Heavy! I am, like, in total pain here. I…I think I'm about to die, like, one of you pigs come help me!

_(Policeman 1 appears)_

Policeman 1: You have just ruined a prisoner's last meal with your shouting. You startled him so much, he dropped it all over the floor.  
Neil: But, I am like in real pain.

Policeman 1: Right, that's it, I'm having you moved to a detention cell.

Neil: Damn, man, that is so heavy.

Neil's Old Self: Wait for him to open the door, then knock him out.

Neil: But I'm a pacifist.

Neil's Old Self: You'll be a dead pacifist in a minute if you don't knock him out!

Neil: OK, here goes.

Policeman 1: Why are you talking to yourself? You gone mad with all those-

_(Neil turns around and smacks him in the face. He swipes the truncheon and brings it down on the policeman's head. He crumples instantly)_

Neil: Oh wow! I did it!

Neil's Old Self: Good, now, grab his keys, stow him under your bunk and lock him in.

Neil: Perfect.

_(goes to the door, but is stopped by a voice from the bunk above his)_

Prisoner: I'll see you later, yeah?

Neil: In the karmic paradise, brother. Peace.

Prisoner: Good luck.

_(Neil locks the door and heads down the corridor)_

Neil's Old Self: Now, keep going and turn left here.

Neil: How do you know where to go?

Neil's Old Self: Because, I see everything! I'm still in your brain, I just need to get out and I'll be fine.

Neil: Cool.

Neil's Old Self: Good, now use the keys you swiped from that guard and open the door.

_(Neil opens the door and steps into the filing office)_

Neil's Old Self: There's your file right there.

Neil: Where?

Neil's Old Self: You're looking at it you moron!

Neil: OK, your karma is growing red. You need to, like, chill.

Neil's Old Self: Just pick up the Goddamn file.

Neil: Its got all my criminal records in.

Neil's Old Self: Good. On the shelf behind you is the gun you had.

Neil: Cool.

Neil's Old Self: Take them both now and burn them.

Neil: What with?

Neil's Old Self: Use the pipe in the evidence bag you pissing retard.

Neil: Fab.

_(Neil burns the evidence and chucks it in a bin)_

Neil's Old Self: Now toss the keys into the cell you just left.

Neil: This is very weird, I'm talking to my-

Neil's Old Self: Do it!

_(Neil chucks the keys onto the floor in his cell and walks out of the corridor)_

Neil's Old Self: Now just walk out of the door. We have to get back to Balowski Primary.

Neil: Your karma is good. You did a criminal thing, but now good things will reward you.

Neil's Old Self: That's not how karma works, you motherf…

_(back at Balowski Primary)_

Rick: Right, I'm naked and covered in wasp stings, but at least no one can see me or take incriminating photos of me like this.

Vyvyan: Surprise!

_(Rick turns around and is met by the flash of a camera)_

Rick: Vyvyan! You BASTARD!

Vyvyan: _(laughing) _Oh dear, I would hate to think what would happen if copies of these got around!  
Rick: Vyvyan, please, no! I'll do anything!

Vyvyan: Really?

Rick: Yes, anything!

Vyvyan: Fine then, get in the pool.

Rick: What?

Vyvyan: You heard me.

Rick: That's it? Y…you want me to get in the pool?

Vyvyan: Yeah.

Rick: OK, if you'll just lend me your trunks.

Vyvyan: No, as you are.

Rick: WHAT?

Vyvyan: You can have another wasp-infested bush if you want.

Rick: Oh, ha ha, very funny Vyvyan. I can assure you, I do not plan on getting another pair of _those._

Vyvyan: Well, whatever, just get in.

Rick: Can do!

_(as Rick leaves, Vyvyan passes the photo to Warlock, who was hiding in the bush)_

Vyvyan: Mike has given you your instructions. Go now.

Warlock: Yes. Sir.

_(at the poolside)_

Mike: Look and love, ladies, look and love.

_(the assembled girls giggle)_

Mike: You can laugh…at my brilliance!

Girl: Yeah, at your brilliance.

Brian Damage: Yes, at your brilliance Michael!

_(Brian Damage has a large bomb in his hands)_

Brian Damage: As per instructions, the staff are all in the staff room and the pool is set to blow.

Mike: Good.

Brian Damage: Much as I love this, why are you demolishing the pool?

Mike: Because I can claim compensation.

_(he puts his arm in a fake sling)_

Brian Damage: Genius! Right, let's blow her!

Mike: Wait for Rick…

_(Rick shows up, wearing a plank of wood with strings tied around it. Unfortunately, he doesn't notice the holes slowly boring through the wood)_

Rick: I'm here, and I'm getting in the pool.

_(termites crawl out of the wood and the pieces drop)_

Rick: Argh!

_(Rick falls into the pool. Everyone screams and gets out quickly. Vyvyan runs and dive bombs in)_

Rick: How dare you Vyvyan? I'm all wet, and…soggy.

Vyvyan: You're in water, you nerdy, of course you're wet.

_(Vyvyan raises a plank of wood)_

Vyvyan: But you left this behind.

_(Vyvyan whacks Rick on the head with it, who sinks down to the bottom. Vyvyan dives in and follows him down. Vyvyan reels out and punches Rick in the chest. Bubbles explode from Rick's mouth in his fury. He swims to the side haphazardly, wildly waving his arms and legs. He leapt off the side and punched straight through Vyvyan's head. Vyvyan falls to the bottom as well. The pair of them are now directly at the bottom, neither realising they are running out of air. Outside, Mike has organised a quick betting table and the pupils are gathered around watching, several of them waving papers. Vyvyan reaches into his trunks and pulled out a golf club. Rick looks questioningly, before he is whacked twice in the balls with the said club. Rick doubles up, screaming in pain. Before launching himself directly at Vyvyan. He snatches the golf club and gives Vyvyan the vs. He launches himself off the side again, swinging the club madly. He catches Vyvyan in the side of the head, before Vyvyan grabs him by the neck and flings him around, so that he slams against the bottom. Outside, Brian Damage holds a detonator)_

Brian Damage: I haven't felt this alive since I killed my father with a Hoover!

_(he presses the button. The pool explodes and Rick and Vyvyan are hurled forwards with a torrent of water. Students scream and Mike pockets a large wad of cash. The water raises to the school and smashes through the staff room window)_

Headmaster Balowski: Shit!

Deputy Headmaster Balowski: I am an anonymous, new character. Lucky I'm expendable.

Jerzei Balowski: It's Blitzkrieg all over again!

Billy Balowski: I have a hangover, this could well prove to be a useful cure.

Alexei Balowski: You are 'avin a pissing laugh.

Count Balowski: I am experiencing extreme rage.

Train Driver Balowski: First stop to a watery grave.

Officer Balowski: oooh, eee, asaa, garijhaiuhtui! Suhguiheh!u UHURh! Making stupid noises should protect me from the water. Rick sure has a small-

_(the water slams into each of the teachers and a huge electric current passes through the room. Everyone's hair stands on end and Deputy Headmaster Balowski is instantly killed by the charge. Rick is sobbing in a corner and in the middle stands Vyvyan)_

Vyvyan: That was GREAT!

_(he runs out of the wrecked room)_

Headmaster Balowski: _(noticing Rick) _Oh, you're in so much trouble you little streaker.

Rick: Bollocks.

Headmaster Balowski: This'll go on your permanent record.

Rick: I will get you, Vyvyan. Rest assured, I will get you.

_(Neil appears on the scene)_

Headmaster Balowski: Head Boy, Class Prefect Neil! Thank God! You're this school's last hope. I hope you can help us to do this-

Neil: Oh, wow! This is, like, really uncool. There's a dead man in the corner and Rick is naked. It's like a Leonard Cohen music video!

Headmaster Balowski: Shit…this school's last hope. Basically dead.

Neil's Old Self: Why? Why me?

Hoped you liked this chapter. Sorry for its extremely large length, but I had too much to write about. Look out for the next chapter, coming up soon.


End file.
